Is All Love Lost?

Maybe I am just Traditional or still have Hope for the relationship I had with my ex-husband.

Everyone tells me to move on and get a divorce but I don't believe that having another relationship will solve how I feel and getting a divorce to me just doesn't seem to be the right thing to do.

I always believed you Fall in Love, Get Married and Live Happily Ever After...but what ever happened to the Ever After part? Was I Really supposed to be separated from my husband?

When I think about moving on it just doesn't feel right. I haven't spoke to my ex-husband in more than two years.

I also feel so part of his Culture and Traditions, it hurts whenever I see someone from that Country or place. The Language, The Food, The Music, its too much for me. Its as much part of me as it is my daughters and she was born in Mexico! Its almost unreal. No one really understands but that is ok, I guess they are not supposed to.

Other than that, I feel lost.

The Reality

I went on a date last night which caused me to come to the conclusion that I do not want to be with anyone anytime soon or possibly never. I like being Single. I think I will always like to be Single and I could never Compromise or make any sacrifices in any relationship because I am so set in doing things my way. Yes I get lonely sometimes, but who cares? I get over it.

The date was really nice, he brought me Red Roses, which in the last 5 dates I have been on these past two years the guys have brought me nothing. He also reminded me of my ex-husband, who I am not fully over. He was a nice person.

I also know my mother has great dreams for me to be married so she doesn't feel like she has to 'take care of me' anymore. I, on the other hand, do not want that nor feel that way. I will eventually live on my own and that will make me happy. Not only will I be Independent but also Financially Stable.

I am working on two big businesses. That and spending time with my Daughter is my passion right now.

Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson

I am not a big fan of Kelly Clarkson...but it seems I like her stuff more and more...but anyway she wrote this song that just touched me. Here are the Lyrics:

You've got your mother and your brother, every other
Under cover telling you what to say
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is, that it's Cupid
Baby, loving you has made me this way

So before you point your finger
Get your hand off of my trigger,oh yah
You need to know this situations getting old
And now the more you talk, the less I can say
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standing here
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey
Just walk away
Just walk away, Just walk away


I waited here for you like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed
I gave you everything and never asked for anything
And look at me, I'm all alone
So before you start defending, baby
Stop all your pretending

I know ,you know ,I know
So what's the point in being slow,
"Let's get this show on the road today"

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standing here
Hey,Hey, Hey, Hey
Just walk away
Just walk away, Just Walk Away


I want a love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I want a man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you going to fight for me
Die for me
Live and breathe for me
Do you care for me
Cause if you don't then just leave

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standing here
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey
Just walk away If you dont have the answer
Walk Away
Just Walk Away
Then Just Leave
oh yeah



walk away(x2)


That song means alot to me. Thanks Kelly for Writing it! :)

Bad Mom

Today I was a little frustrated and it caused me to overthink my situation. My daughter was in my face the whole day. I was getting annoyed, what parent wouldn't? I had spent some time with her, I took her outside and watched her play with her 'horsey'(horse cart) and her 'wee' (slide) and then of course the hours came and she kept throwing little fits here and there and I of course did not like that. I do not have alot of patience and I usually like to do peaceful things like work on my business ventures.

Well, I was thinking maybe I should have never been a mom. I am not good at this and maybe this isn't really meant for me but it just happened and I will probably be the mother she had wanted because I don't meet her needs and that I am just not cut out for this.

Well, after all the fits and whining throughout the day, right after my daughter's bath she was climbing on me kissing me and whispering in my ear to play fun with grandma.

Then, at that moment I realized I love my daughter and I would always want to be a mother especially to her, no matter what.

I know its been a long time since My Last Post....

My Focus has been nothing but Money, Money, Money and how to get and make more. I was trying to get My Jerky Business off the ground but realize for the same amount of Time, Effort and Marketing I could be Making a WHOLE heck of alot more. So I have officially changed my Focus. Which is something I didn't want to do because I am such a Opportunity Hopper but I think I found one I will be doing for a while and will be able to get My Life where I had Wanted and PLANNED for it to be this year.

Still Single. Yes Sex and the City...or more like No Sex and Rural Community for Me! Oh well, I guess that is why they invented toys. LOL. My mom is trying to fix me up with this Latino. He is a few years older than me, already been married also...but I don't know if I want to go there again. The last guy I dated was a prick, MAJOR PRICK and I never really got anything beneficial out of it. Lets face it people the Dating Scene Sucks already know! But I also know what it is like to be Married and what it is like to be a Single Mom. HA! None of it is really bad nor really good. That is why Technology invented good plastic for people like me!

Whom, whats to come? Well, I figure once I am living comfortable I can cut out the work hours and go see some family and go on some vacations. My WHY for Financial Independence is yes, Family but also Freedom. At work I go as far I can till I know when I had reached my limit as far as the button pushing goes. I am not good at this Employee stuff, never have been. I do not like people telling me what to do. My boss is lucky he is as laid back as he is LOL. Or I am, I think another Employer would have fired me by now LOL. Not that I do it intentionally but I know I am just not meant for this kind of Lifestyle and everyday I try to grip the reality of what I live now. Being a Single Mom, alot of things happen...you moods go from Anger to Depression...although I know I am not depressive but you know, when you have alot of time to think about things, it does things to you. No one understands though and its hard to come to grips with that also. See! This is why I quit Writing, because I can't. :*(

But anyway new subject. So since I haven't been to school since Job Corps when I came back from Mexico. I decided to get Certified in this Real Estate thing at work so I know I am not killing all my brain cells doing repitious nonsense all day. Calling people and Helping them into their Program. At least then I feel like I did something Important this year.

I was thinking of cutting down some of My Projects and maybe bringing in a couple of quality ones. I am not sure. I feel like I work so much my head spins and then I cannot remember normal things. If that makes any sense. Oh well.

This is My Year though. No more Paycheck to Paycheck.